Rajasthani Method of Torture

Friday, February 15, 2008

After the immense success of the Chinese Method of Torture, a certain friend Bobgem*, Mother G, I and several other companions who have been of late subjected to the practices mentioned herein, have devised the Rajasthani Method of Torture. It includes the following.

  1. Feed the subject (‘it’ henceforth, since it would have lost all human semblance after a few of these excellent tricks have been applied upon the subject) ONLY dry, hard, rough and tough makkai ki roti(MKR) for 3 days in a row, twice each day. As an accompaniment, serve watery dal which has 5 spoons of chilly powder for every 100 ml of water, such that it conveniently burns the subject’s lips.
  2. Don’t let it use the loo for 2 days in a row.
  3. Let it wander off in a desert jungle devoid of any vegetation in search of ‘bushes’ to relieve itself, which by now it calls ‘loo’.
  4. Load it with 40 kg of luggage and make it travel 10 hours a night in rickety old buses. Make it change 4 buses in a single night.
  5. Leave the subject stranded in the middle of nowhere with that entire luggage in 3 degree celcius frigid weather at 5 a.m., 3 days’ worth MKR in its tummy and 10 other random law schoolites to wait for some bus or truck or jeep or anything that moves on wheels which could probably come any time then.
  6. Do not let the subject bathe more than once in 3-4 days.
  7. Let it bathe in an open tent with ice cold water and have another similar creature posted at one of the flaps to ‘guard’ in order to create a false sense of security in the mind of the subject. Annoy the Wind God in some way or the other and make him/her send strong gusts of wind such that the guard is rendered useless and the tent-flaps start flying open in every possible direction while subject is bathing. Better yet, send a random kid to walk in on the subject who’d (kid) later come out and report to her friend, “Arre, tu yahan hai. Mujhe laga tu andar thi, lekin andar toh ek didi nikli!

Oh, you’re here. I thought you were in, but there was some didi inside!

  1. Keep the subject so far away from civilisation that it would come up with come up with corny distortions of even cornier movie lines such as “Ek sip Pepsi, City Girls ke gale ka haar hota hai. Ek sip Pepsi”.
  2. Make it sleep in a 8 ft by 8 ft room with 6 others, draped in 3 layers of blankets. Even better, make it sleep between a mal boy from its class and a girl who decides to sit on top of her neighbour’s head in the middle of the night thinking it’s a roll of bedsheet or toilet paper or some such thing.
  3. Make the subject run out of toilet paper.
  4. Make the subject climb random hills in random villages to see random temples in an absolutely random fashion and offer NO explanation to the subject. That is where the element of torture lies. *evil grin*
  5. Again, feed the subject ample MKR. This is the BEST part of it all. Watch closely the way in which the subject pretends to relish it in order to not offend its hosts. It’s the most beautiful thing to watch if you have sadistic tendencies.
  6. Make it stand in front of a mirror after subjecting the subject to all this for 16 days.

It is hoped that torturers and suchlike will soon adopt our system and experiment it on their own victims. It has been a great pleasure in developing this fool-proof system which ensures everything that you need. Personal experience says this 13 pronged approach# will definitely drive your victim to unimaginable levels of insanity. Make the most of it.

* I was confused between Bobgem and Gembob as a moniker for this Gemini but decided the former sounds more dignified. I know it’s ironical that a moniker should sound dignified, but what the heck, Gembob sounds outright ridiculous!

# 13 is a lucky number!

Important Note: This post is purely for the readers’ and the writer’s amusement. Rajasthan is an amazing place and its people are brilliant. Peace!

8 comments:

vatsala said...

aww you poor poor thing!but i love it, i love the way you write!like all the snide references :D!MUST call and get details from you now!

Sneha said...

heh, thanks. yea yea, a lot has to be exchanged between the two of us!

another brick in the wall said...

u did not bath for 3-4 days! dude.. u'd almost become like one of us! :D
haha.. oh my poor l'il sis.. glad u survived this to type it all out
and yes i second that.. rajasthan's awesome! i love that place :)

abhu said...

hey! nice to see u back to blogging. missed ur blogs. no actaully, missed u:)

Harshit Gupta: My big big world said...

Holy GOD!!!
There is simply nothing else I could do after reading this... In fact I did that only after I skimmed through the post... After reading... Over to Him...

indiegurl said...

may i know WHY you were concentration-camp-fying in my adopted state?

Sneha said...

@ another brick- yep, i survived!


@ abhu- nice to be back!


@ harshit- :)


@ indiegurl- i was interning there, hence.

Prince said...

Brilliant description...but it was fun though..esp the road trip