THE journal

Monday, August 28, 2006

There was this time when I had a cute little girly journal(pink adds the needed feel, you know). I adored it so much that I had even named it (I shall NOT disclose the name in order to protect the remaining izzat of the blogowner and to let people keep thinking that I do have some threads of sanity left in me).

I would write about things that bothered me in that dirty lil book of mine. Of course, it was kept hidden from my sister’s prying eyes. Not that she didn’t know about all the things that were in that book (I tell her EVERYTHING and vice versa)(heylo, what are sisters for?!) but I just didn’t want her to read it. My writing. What I had written. I just have this thing about people reading things that I don’t want them to read. A quirky one is that I don’t like her (or anyone for that matter) looking over my shoulder while I type a blog entry. Basically, I don’t like people prying over my work which is in progress. It just gives me the creeps. Similarly, I hate it when teachers try to look into my notebook while Iam working out a sum. It simply destroys my concentration and makes me hasty and get disoriented. This one time during an exam, the invigilator was staring away to glory at my work! It got on my nerves(like duh!!) and I stared back at her. I didn’t want to distrub the rest of the students around me by talking to her and asking her to go away. So I simply gave a nice, long, piercing frown-type-stare. Hah! The good ole lady walked away and didn’t come back!!

So. Where were we? Yea, the journal. Yesterday, I happened to come across it and couldn’t help feeling what-a-moron-I-was-back-then. It was simply hilarious, and at times outrageous. Things like, sheesh!!-how-could-I-ever-let-that-bother-me-so-much and how-could-I-possibly-have-a-crush-on-HIM *shock*. The crush part was especially strange! You know how weird 12-13 year olds can get!

Well, my journal writing days didn’t last long though. I somehow felt very insecure about having my innermost feelings lying around in a cupboard. What was I to do if someone (read parents) read it?!?! *holy horror* So the intelligent brain of mine convinced me to tear the ‘danger’ sheets off, soak them in water so that the writing becomes illegible and finally smash the remains to completely destroy any evidence of my madness. Hah!! *gleaming eyes* I actually did all that. I tore the pages and soaked them in water. However, somehow, some part of me urged to stop right there and compelled me to retrieve the sheets. And so I went on a reverse mission. So what followed was a nervous emptying of a pink bucket and the heroic rescue of those precious documents. Oh the documents! They were all written with ball-point pen, so the writing was still intact. Yipee!!! I dried the paper in my sunlit balcony. I actually spent an entire afternoon in that balcony, guarding my feelings on pulp and quickly hiding them with a large towel and pretended to be drying the towel whenever my sister gave an occasional peep. After 2 hours of evaporation and all that my sheets (now they were reduced to weird smushy pulpy thingies) were carefully stapled and placed back in the same journal. The journal was then hidden away in an obscure corner of my wardrobe(clothes section) (arghh! Now you know where I keep all my secret-secret stuff!) and forgotten about.

Yesterday, while glancing through those pages, I found out something about myself. Rather, I realized something about myself which I aleady knew. (yea, its kind of twisted). I am pretty touchy when it comes to things like trust. I hate it when someone I trust breaks my heart. And I somehow feel ashamed of the fact that I ever trusted that person. I don’t know why exactly I feel this way, but this is it. I can’t take people breaking my heart and its surprising how often the same has been done. I mean seriously, why are people so mean at times?

44 comments:

sun4none said...

wow! kya turnaround tha.. from funny to senti! :s

yeah... betrayal sucks.. its jst difficult to believe that someone so close must be lying to u all the time n u didnt evn have a clue about it! n whn u realise it.. just dunno wat 2 do! realy a horrible feel eh!

oh yeah.. me hates whn ppl peep into my work 2 haan.. jst freakin hide it.. mom comes in my rooom n all the windows get minimized n mom alwyz says.. "wat u keep on hiding from me. i step in and u quickly make everyhng disappear.. and all i see is that stupid black desktop"
then 20 min go in convincing her that i am not hiding anythng! weird shit! :s

ninkita said...

:)
i know precisely how the looking over the shoulder bit feels !!!! i can't even bear for people to look at me when i'm eating.. kills apatite faster than anything else i can think of.
And i had a journal too.. actually i had three.. but i never worried abt anyone reading em, cause i was so sure they'd never realise what it was-it always was a beat up old notebook!! sure enough, all my dark secrets are safe to this day! :D

sneha said...

@sun- hmm.. funny to senti.. thats me!

@ninkita- staring at you while u eat is the rudest thing to do!!it sure kills the appetite.. oh n my journal was, well, very jounal-y.. it had a pretty catchy cover. so i had to stuff it in!

bhargav said...

hmm betrayal??the last time that happened to me..............was probably the last time it would ever happen to me........get it?

Sudeep said...

he he.. are u really 16 yrs? (i hope i wont be killed for asking this)
u write too gud for a 16 yr old.. i mean compared to me of course when i was tht age (or even now)

betrayal is preavalent on every step u take in life.. later on u just get accustomed to it n miss it if no one betrays u.

better have a separate hidden blog for urself so tht no one reads it.. :)
(n dont dare to ask me my hidden url.. he he)

Abhieshek said...

too many revelations about yourself in one single post..:-)...an interesting read...

sneha said...

@bhargav- very optimistic, i must say!

@sudeep-thanks :D
accustomed to betrayals? miss betrayals? i think NOT!


@abhieshek- oowh!! now people r gonna raid my wardrobe!!! silly me!

Rakesh said...

Beautiful blog and beautiful post.

about Trust, yeah you should never break anyone's trust, cause its something that hurts most.

bhargav said...

@sneha
so the devil is dishing out dollops of sarky eh??hmm slurp

Divya said...

Ah... i can soo identify... had the *girly* journal.. well tried. tried atleast thrice to keep a reguler journal but each went for a toss after 2 months max!!

Before i came to Jodhpur, i went on a major raid of my cupboard to see wat i should get there et al, and i found the journal i had kept in 6th Std.. read it and hahaahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Man i was so strange when i was like 12!!!! stoopid things to get worried at, silly crushes, silly thoughts.. was a riot!!! whew... nice lil glimpse into the past innit?:P.. well there was more but i should keep that tto myself else i shall be proved certifiably insane hehehe..

Wait.. have i actually changed??:D

sneha said...

@rakesh- thanks!

@bhargav- mm..!

@divya- we are all the same, aren't we? MAD people!! lol!

sun4none said...

div.. really.. u r currently "not insane" really?? :P

raghu said...

funny...i started writin a jurno 2 days back.
n my old jurno is way 2 funny.. the poetry is so rhymin..lol
the bitchin is so needless
the incidents r so hilarious
the crushes r so dumb
n betrayal still hurts.
1st entry of my jurno was on...(duh im not so dumb)

sneha said...

@raghu- plzz spill it all in ur blog!!! we love to feed on other people's secrets... yumm

raghu said...

vel..since no1 reads my blog.. i odnt mind spillin da beans der

sneha said...

@raghu- thats precisely the reason why i spilt some of my beans here!! lol!

bhargav said...

now can you beat that?You put your 'beans' out on public display in the grandest and weirdest stage of em all---the WWW(world weirdo web) bloody well knowing that the place is full of perverted,demented freaks who crave peeking into peoples' minds and extract some kind of twisted satisfaction from it.You also advertise your blog on ur orkut profile that happens to carry ur photo,again knowing fully well about the possibilities of a full fledged despo invasion to ur blog.Above all this you say you spilt ur beans here THINKING nobody is gonna read ur blog?Sometimes i wonder whether its the world and not me thats going nuts!!!lolz cheers

sneha said...

@bhargav- woaho!! the despos on orkut only want to make 'frandship'.. i don't think any one of them wants to read what i have to say!! lol

raghu said...

sneha..im raghu.. i dont noe u but i wud like 2 noe u.. im 17 yrs n look very handsome.. but i want 2 make frandship with u..plz scrap back if u also find me interestin n want 2 do farndship..
k i cant type more crap
lol..no1 gets twisted satisfaction frnm readin snehas blog..im sure..i mean shes not talkin abou the most sexiest part of her body...godsakes its her chin!
so sneha..want 2 amke frandship?

sneha said...

cruel sneha has just rejected handsome 17-year-old raghu's request for frandship....rofl!!

bhargav said...

@ raghu

dude call me paranoid or whatever but i firmly believe that the www is home to some really different personalities.Moreover the word twisted need not always mean 'sexually perverted' i seriously did not intend giving the issue that kind of overtone.Plus i was only mulling over POSSIBILITIES so sheesh,,,, get a hold over urself you almost sound guilty.lolz cheers and peace

@ sneha
Poor handsome 17 yr old raghu prolly dies due to heartbreak or sends a frandship request to someone else

sneha said...

Gosh!!! ROFLing even more!! hehehh

bhargav said...

as the crappy limp (lame) bizkit put it jus keep rolling

raghu said...

k.. 1stly my frnd had a exprience with sexulayy perveted guy..on orkut..so jus took twisted 4 granted..my mistake..
2ndly agree dat www is place 4 diff personalities..
i hav no probs really.. i hav very firm hold on myself..u dnt noe me.. n i DONT need unsolicited advice frm sum guy i dnt evn noe... so keep plz refrain frm givin me advice..no mattr hw small..
besides i can c only 4-5 guys commentin on this entry of the blog.. so unless u r hintin dat v get twisted satisfaction..i dnt understan ur comment..:S

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