No words.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I had been reading some lines of a poem which was a part of our course in Alt. English. They went something like this… and they made me spiral into some rather strange questions...

“This is a man who talks of pain
As though it belonged to him alone.
Maybe he has invented it himself
And made a virtue of it.”

(Of a Questionable Conviction by Jayanta Mahapatra)

This led me to think whether I too hold any resentment and pain within me. Am I living in denial or is it that I have not seen anything ‘real’? Why is it that I find it difficult to be morbid about anything for more than a day or two? (Yes believe me, being upset is such a rage these days that I feel left out at times and start questioning myself!) Am I living in a bubble? Why are so many people depressed and go about proclaiming their depression as if it’s something to be proud of? Do I get everything so easily that I have (almost) nothing to feeling bad about? To be depressed about? Have I had it so easy that I haven’t really gone through the ‘polishing and cutting’ phase would would eventually ‘mould me into a stronger being’? Am I actually very weak within?

Then I came across these words while reading Shantaram(it's in my Currently Reading section), which by the way is a must-read for all of you. This definition of suffering, gave something to think about—

"Suffering , of every kind, is always a matter of what we've lost. Real suffering is measured by what's taken away from us."

I agree. I couldn’t change it or better it in any way (of course this is only one instance of the author’s way with words. The book is sprinkled with quote worthy lines, many of which are debatable which in turns adds to the fun.)

So, going by that definition, I should really be suffering. But suffering isn’t being miserable. It’s just there, somewhere inside. I wish I could have some things back, which I can’t.

Then, may be what I have lost never really topped my priority list. Yes, they may not have. That’s because I always took those for granted! And that doesn’t decrease the suffering in any way.

You may think, what you’ve lost isn’t probably that big, so you don’t feel it. Okay then, so I take you away from your home to some place you’ve never liked living in (because you haven’t really ever lived there), turn your life upside down, take you away when you think you’ve got friends for life and then ask you to start all over again. Then you’re asked to ‘make new friends’ and ‘fit in’ and ‘do the right things to be in the good books of people’. I make you feel horrible, suffocated and lost.

So, it isn’t really a small thing. Of course, many lessons were learnt and tests were passed. In those first 2 years when I felt I (at times) could just die, I had once called up this friend after a long long time. It was diwali. I didn’t think she’d recognize my voice. She knew it was me the minute I said hello. When I asked her whether my voice hadn’t changed at all, she said it had changed but it still had the ‘happy ring and enthusiasm’ in it which she was sure only one person she knew in the whole wide world could have despite all that she may be going through. (me). That did make me feel glad, to be honest. And since then, I have started noticing if people whom I’ve never spoken to before on phone recognize my voice the first time. They always do and they tell me the same thing that the old friend told.

This again led me to think that yes, I may be suffering (but I am not ‘depressed’ or ‘miserable’. You can suffer silently without being a pessimist) but I don’t let that be the major part of me. I haven’t got everything...anything... easily. I have been through my share of testing time for this phase of my life. I have gone through the ‘polishing and cutting’ phase which I am sure many people my age haven’t even gotten a clue about. A lot of time people do get annoyed with me for not getting annoyed with them. Strange!

Despite all this, I somehow manage to see the silver lining. I don’t need anybody’s pity. I don’t need to be morbid to be different. I am already different, just by being the happy me. So don’t ask me why I keep smiling so much because I’ll only tell you one thing- I find things to smile about even where there isn’t anything, because if I didn’t, I’d probably have become a coke-addict or a chain smoker or a total goner by now. And I am never going to be those things. The only thing that can help one out of their lonliness, ‘depression’ and addiction is addiction to something else- happiness. You’ll never feel the need to drug yourself to be happy. That’s the way we were made. When we were children we never needed a ‘fix’ to get a ‘high’. We were always ‘high’, if you ask me. You don’t need to feel 'low' which would lead you to do things to make you artificially and temporarily feel high. So why take so much trouble? Feeling low isn’t cool, at least not in my book, so why feel that way?

Please Note:

1)Yes, I have digressed a hundred times in this post and even I don’t know what the actual topic of the post should be.
2)These are my views and they work for me.
3)I am not an intolerant person who despises addicts (to anything ie). I just wish they’d see the light within instead of searching the whole world for it.
4)No, I am not preaching. In case you thought I was, then you should look ‘preach’ in the dictionary. I am just saying what I want to say since this is MY blog.
5)Yes, 'happy' is a very general and relative term. I have used it to only denote not being sad and upset and just being pleased in general.


raghu said...

damn nice post..really.. happiness is relative indeed... n its ur blog.. u can giv bhashan..dou dis 1s not bhashan!

Tejal said...

hmm..sneha's bcom all senti senti huh???hheheh..its ok sweetie..tell u wat? its alwaz so pleasant talkin to u..this is wat i lik best in u.. u hav this AURA or optimism around u!! n its by choice.. its all in da mind .. u wanna b happy dats y ur happy..n if u start findin a reason to me u'll find many.. so b as u are!!!

Deepak Gopi said...


ninkita said...

being happy is what i thought i did best, until i let people get to me. stay happy!!!!!!!! it really is the most comfy way to be

Anonymous said...

I am reminded of Dido's song (see u when u are 40):
"you thought it was cool to be sad..
being sad will make you stand apart from the crowd,
if you now walked past me,
i wouldn't have picked you out" (or something very similar)
very insightful post.

Roshan R said...

if you can avoid getting depressed, you're literally magical. But the very fact that you prefer to see the silver lining in a cloud storm is great. I, like the majority who will probably reply to this post, tend to suffer for holding on to our pains...its a necessary blanket for me to hide in till I'm ready to smile again for the world. I've survved till now because of it..or maybe , inspite of it. Time alone will tell, wont it ?

sim said...

you know i really love reading your blog, which is saying a lot cause i never really understand how people can read random people's arbit blogs...but yours was recommnded to me and well...i really smile reading it!!!
and u know wat is so funny is how i have an elder sister and some of the stuff u write about u and ur sis its so like me and dids that its uncanny!!!!
and u know u are one of those few lucky ones who are 'happy' so please dont try to figure the how and why of it please...take it from someone who just went through 6 months of intense depression!!! and now that i am back to being silly me and happy in a sense i dont bother thinking why i am feeling a certain way if i am etc etc...
do i make any sense???

Macabreday said...

a real good post sneha...liked it. In this country where i am, depression is made into a real big deal. we all get depressed. no one escapes from depression, and it all boils down to how we look at it and deal with it. i guess we can apply some phenomenology in this context and it would make more sense then... actually phenomenology makes all the sense for me.....and who dosent have troubles and worries? everyone does..some of us choose to hold on to them.. and some of us choose to look ahead at the silver lining...!!! :)

raghu said...

u noe the post is real DRAINING on the brain.. u actually make my laaazzzzzy brain think..:P
so hate u 4 dat!

raghu said...

neways loadsa unsolicited advice u
or is it soliciated?

Anonymous said...

:), hey that poem (or rather rhyme) was just random sampling of thoughts from a day... that's all :)

hope u are having a nice one.


Sohail Khan said...

hmm.... u know.. your post can somewhat be titled as an answer..or rather a solution to my last post...


well..atleast it seems that way..


i think u put down your thoughts on paper really well..almost eireee!!! :)

and are u a post a day typa grl??... 'coz i sure need to know how the hell do u ppl sit down on your asses everyday to write a post with so little time in hands huh??


Grain Saint... said...

patience my dear fucks all ..and trust me, you don't want misery any sooner than fated!
am positive about a similar post in futurity where some things would change from this one ..there's life ahead, and so is the unfathomable experience as a must accessory ..and it's terribly disjoint from present ..wait for ur wheel :)

PS: Did I just get weirder than the author herself!

Arz000n said...

It’s just there, somewhere inside. I wish I could have some things back, which I can’t.
I believe everyone has some past related to suffering.

I dont know why...but from this long and serious post of yours, these 2 lines stole my attention. I wish I could have some things back...but I know I cant.

I say this to me all the time, but now its long gone. The only reason my blog was started was to cover up the suffering, somewhere deep inside me and to wear the mask of a funny guy so as to keep myself away from it :)

Arz000n said...

Jesus christ!!
you can write some serious kick-ass stuff Sneha zee

Nice one :)

Roshan R said...

a belated happy blogday to you too

Sneha said...

@raghu- hey thanks raghu. n it's supposed to make u think!! ;)
no i dont get much unsolicited advice.. actually i rarely get advice.. iam the one who aroudn advising hehehhe

@tejal- hey.. thanks for that AURA thing :):)
no re.. not senti.. i just felt like writing about that what that poem made me think.. u know.. i wrote uska critical appreciation in Alt. E this time :)

@deepak- er.. :)

@ninkita- yea, that's wat! it really pisses people off when ur all smiles all the time :D:D

@sojourner- hey, i haven't heard that song, but i will now :) thanks

@roshan- //if you can avoid getting depressed, you're literally magical.

well.. as for being magical, we all are magical!! really! you just have to KNOW that ur magical :) yea, i think despite it would be a better term :) and i know.. my virgo, taurean and capri friends would particularly disagree with me on this one :D:D

n thanks for the blogday wishes!

@sim- hie there! it's lovely that u commented.. it makes my day, you know!

yea, we sisters do the craziest things!! all of us!
oww.. u do make a lot of sense and may i know ur sunsign? that would help me know the 'whys' in there :D:D

@mac-hey thanks. yea, it's pretty disturbing to find people who actually think being depressed the 'cool' thing. bad bad state!
yea, thats what the silver lining is for :)

@sohail- yea, now that u said it, it does seem that way! perfect!


no yaa.. not a post a day.. lol.. i just write when i feel the impulse to do so.. it doesn't really take much time.. :) plus, writing is a stress buster for me and i love it! so it's not really something that i ned to take time out for.

@grain saint- oh u did get weirder than the author!!! no.. why should we be so pessimistic? it does no good.


thanks z000nie zee, i can manage at times :):)

yea, thats the purpose of my blog too.. :)

raghu said...

LOL.. c my blog.. one post dat surely proves happiness is realtive..
jus c post on abbeblah

Asha said...

Hi Sneha! You are right about life in general!

"You ain't seen nothin' yet darlin'" as a Texan would say!:D

Until you do, ponder about them all.Happiness should begin with you and end with you.No other human should be responsible for your joys in life.Don't give them that power.

That's my two cents; have a great weekend sweetie.

ninkita said...

'my virgo, taurean and capri friends would particularly disagree with me on this one'..... lol.. i'm taurean, and i dont disagree :P thats cause i have complicated theories about magic myself, maybe..

btw, sim's capri..

sim said...

oh yes i am a capri as my ninkita has kindly pointed out!!does that help u in figuring out the whys???
yeah sisters are crazy in general!!!in fact i have just had a fight with my sibling and i have absolutely no idea why!!!! all i know is that i was on the comp and and she said something to and themn humpphed when i didn reply and said...'oh so u dont want to talk??'
and the next thing i knew she was in bed!!!
i think we can dedicate a complete blog to 'our very own dear darling sisters'!!!oh life would be so dull without them!!!
actually now that i have read quite a number of blogs i am all inspired to start one of muy own but alas amm too lazy!!!my journal hardly ever sees the light of the day!

raghu said...

siblings ki baath ho rahi hain toh.. bro n sis also fight.. n v fight like crazy.. n lands up wid one of us intears always.. more dan physical.. v do say a lotta harsh stuff re.. dat v noe wud wud hurt each other:(

sandeep said...

nice blog mate .. nice rytin style...

abhu said...

hey babes.... u've really writtn this well. i know exactly wat ur trying to say .lol!!! and i kinda have to admit it sounds right. he!!he!!! so mayb u can expect some respite frm ...u know wat...

Anonymous said...

hi Sneha,
*made me all nostalgic and thoughtful* ??
hmm.. you used to live in a desert country?
thanks for the comment :)

Anonymous said...

hmm... interested in a contest??

Sneha said...

@asha- hey thanks and yes, i agree with the happiness being under control part. after all nothing in the universe is above your own Free Will, right?

@ninkita- well, ninkita that was a general statement because most earth signs (which the 3 of these are) tend to be worriers and see the glass half empty most of the time. this is not to say that ALL are this way and that they are psychotic or anything. it's just the approach, that iam talking about. this quality gives rise to other positives too-like the qulity of being extremely patient and hardworking. virgoes and capris are the most laborious and no one beats the taureans at handling their anger and downs in life with utmost patience.
well, its very good to hear that u dont disagree!! and one mustnt think that their sunsign is all there is to them because even the rising plays a part :) and its even more WUNNERFUL to hear that u have ur own theories of magic!! i do too :) and there. the two of you (u and sim) must be getting along, i suppose :)

@sim- //take it from someone who just went through 6 months of intense depression!!!//

honeyyyy capris are pretty prone to mood swings and start brooding about things (which may appear silly to others) that they feel are important to them. and thats because of the Old Man Saturn's influence. the planet stands for responsibilities and hard work which in turn makes capris set very high standards for themselves (this is not to say that other signs dont set high stds. its only that almost every capri you come across, wants to put their best foot forward, always)

//happy in a sense i dont bother thinking why i am feeling a certain way if i am etc etc...//

good good! dont think!

//do i make any sense???//

well, that question only reaffirms ur capri-ness :) capricorns do seek approval, approval of their actions, thoughts and every other thing wither from themselves or from people who matter to them. they don't go around displaying this naturally, because they feel it'll add to their insecurities.

well, i know i know, you must be thinking that you just said that 'just like that' but hey, analyses of things that we do subconsciously are what help in getting to know ourselves better :)

@raghu- yea, fights keep happening ALL the time. but it's more of verbal duels that take place between me and my sis. sag and libra- this combination means lots and lots to talk about and to debate!!

hey, whats ur sister's sign?

@sandeep- hullo and thanks!

@abhu-hey abhilasha, thanks :) oooohh respite from those mood swingies??!! i hope i pray i hope i pray! proud of you, girl!

@sojourner- haha, i didn't take those words literally. they somehow struck a chord with me and and my memories. especially the line "a silhouetted story, shadows so grand". i don't know what you were thinking while writing these, but i sure identified with them :)

and thanks for notifying. iam such an indecisive libran that i can't decide whether i should (rather whether i WOULD be able to) write the story or not.. hmm..

Arti Honrao said...

Hi! This is my first visit here, came thru z000nie zee ka blog.
First thing I would like to say is that u hv a nice blog!
Second this abt the post, in short...
"Life has to offer more than what we think it has to ... the entire problem lies in our minds, how we perceive things!"
Third ~ I am a Paladin :)
You're compassionate, forward-thinking, and devoted to doing the right thing. If you're still in school, your teachers probably adore you, even if your grades aren't very strong. If you work, you're more concerned with doing your job well than climbing the corporate ladder. When it comes to leisure, you'd rather pursue the arts, spend time in nature, or enjoy quiet time with a close friend than spend all night at a raucous party. You seek out peace, beauty, and harmony wherever you can find it.

Above all, you love helping others and bringing a little light to the world wherever you can. You have strong artistic talent, even if you haven't discovered it yet. You aren't a social butterfly, but the friendships you have tend to be long-lasting and devoted. You feel a deep sense of contentment when you have the opportunity to show someone how much you care.

Keep writing

Anonymous said...

when in doubt about writing a story, you write a story. that is a proverb by the way ;)

"a silhouetted story, shadows so grand" ...
hmmm... I often think its my job to write neatly weaved things and its upto the reader to make up the meanings (or rather additional meanings)... so, I am happy to know that it means "something" to you.


Sid said...

//sag and libra- this combination means lots and lots to talk about and to debate!!

Im sure of tht by now..!

its a wonderful post in general..gr8 work..i differ in opinion on a few finer points.. prolly discuss em l8r..

raghu said...

sis born on jan 3rd.. wat sign no clue..but keeps dreamin all day:P

Sneha said...

@arti- hi arti! thanks a lot
that saying makes a lot of sense :)

i know a lot many paladins now!
iam a wizard, btw

do come back for more crap:)

@sojourner- yea, i think i should take the plunge and try to write SOMETHING. this will be my first non-school short story :)

@sid- hey thanks. n yea, we ought to 'discuss' those points where we differ. that should be delightful :D

@raghu- capri sis.. i think she's the one who must be getting pissed off with you rather than the other way round. she might be 'worrying' more than 'dreaming'... tell me if iam right.. and yea, damn laborious too, isnt she?

sun4none said...

abey! cracker of a post man! self pitying certainly sucks.. really pisses me off man.. its really weird.. y ppl wanna fuckin focus on all the negative thngs tht've happend in life and ignore the good shit.. ah crap.. finally good and bad're all self conceived notions.. ah well.. same ol thots i'd said before.. wont repeat thm.. but yeah! life;s as shittier as one wants it 2 be! so all miseries are fuckin self inflicted.. so thy can be taken away by the own self!

btw.. saala.. tera fan following kya badhta hai be.. and at wat an amazing rate! sahi hai! from astro chick to blog queen :P

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