No words.

I had been reading some lines of a poem which was a part of our course in Alt. English. They went something like this… and they made me spiral into some rather strange questions...

“This is a man who talks of pain
As though it belonged to him alone.
Maybe he has invented it himself
And made a virtue of it.”

(Of a Questionable Conviction by Jayanta Mahapatra)

This led me to think whether I too hold any resentment and pain within me. Am I living in denial or is it that I have not seen anything ‘real’? Why is it that I find it difficult to be morbid about anything for more than a day or two? (Yes believe me, being upset is such a rage these days that I feel left out at times and start questioning myself!) Am I living in a bubble? Why are so many people depressed and go about proclaiming their depression as if it’s something to be proud of? Do I get everything so easily that I have (almost) nothing to feeling bad about? To be depressed about? Have I had it so easy that I haven’t really gone through the ‘polishing and cutting’ phase would would eventually ‘mould me into a stronger being’? Am I actually very weak within?

Then I came across these words while reading Shantaram(it's in my Currently Reading section), which by the way is a must-read for all of you. This definition of suffering, gave something to think about—

"Suffering , of every kind, is always a matter of what we've lost. Real suffering is measured by what's taken away from us."

I agree. I couldn’t change it or better it in any way (of course this is only one instance of the author’s way with words. The book is sprinkled with quote worthy lines, many of which are debatable which in turns adds to the fun.)

So, going by that definition, I should really be suffering. But suffering isn’t being miserable. It’s just there, somewhere inside. I wish I could have some things back, which I can’t.

Then, may be what I have lost never really topped my priority list. Yes, they may not have. That’s because I always took those for granted! And that doesn’t decrease the suffering in any way.

You may think, what you’ve lost isn’t probably that big, so you don’t feel it. Okay then, so I take you away from your home to some place you’ve never liked living in (because you haven’t really ever lived there), turn your life upside down, take you away when you think you’ve got friends for life and then ask you to start all over again. Then you’re asked to ‘make new friends’ and ‘fit in’ and ‘do the right things to be in the good books of people’. I make you feel horrible, suffocated and lost.

So, it isn’t really a small thing. Of course, many lessons were learnt and tests were passed. In those first 2 years when I felt I (at times) could just die, I had once called up this friend after a long long time. It was diwali. I didn’t think she’d recognize my voice. She knew it was me the minute I said hello. When I asked her whether my voice hadn’t changed at all, she said it had changed but it still had the ‘happy ring and enthusiasm’ in it which she was sure only one person she knew in the whole wide world could have despite all that she may be going through. (me). That did make me feel glad, to be honest. And since then, I have started noticing if people whom I’ve never spoken to before on phone recognize my voice the first time. They always do and they tell me the same thing that the old friend told.

This again led me to think that yes, I may be suffering (but I am not ‘depressed’ or ‘miserable’. You can suffer silently without being a pessimist) but I don’t let that be the major part of me. I haven’t got everything...anything... easily. I have been through my share of testing time for this phase of my life. I have gone through the ‘polishing and cutting’ phase which I am sure many people my age haven’t even gotten a clue about. A lot of time people do get annoyed with me for not getting annoyed with them. Strange!

Despite all this, I somehow manage to see the silver lining. I don’t need anybody’s pity. I don’t need to be morbid to be different. I am already different, just by being the happy me. So don’t ask me why I keep smiling so much because I’ll only tell you one thing- I find things to smile about even where there isn’t anything, because if I didn’t, I’d probably have become a coke-addict or a chain smoker or a total goner by now. And I am never going to be those things. The only thing that can help one out of their lonliness, ‘depression’ and addiction is addiction to something else- happiness. You’ll never feel the need to drug yourself to be happy. That’s the way we were made. When we were children we never needed a ‘fix’ to get a ‘high’. We were always ‘high’, if you ask me. You don’t need to feel 'low' which would lead you to do things to make you artificially and temporarily feel high. So why take so much trouble? Feeling low isn’t cool, at least not in my book, so why feel that way?

Please Note:

1)Yes, I have digressed a hundred times in this post and even I don’t know what the actual topic of the post should be.
2)These are my views and they work for me.
3)I am not an intolerant person who despises addicts (to anything ie). I just wish they’d see the light within instead of searching the whole world for it.
4)No, I am not preaching. In case you thought I was, then you should look ‘preach’ in the dictionary. I am just saying what I want to say since this is MY blog.
5)Yes, 'happy' is a very general and relative term. I have used it to only denote not being sad and upset and just being pleased in general.